Sunday, July 25, 2010

12. Beef Jerky Bulletproof Vest

Ok, so maybe this one isn't a good idea...

11. The Beef Jerky Toupee

Cure for hair-loss? How about an alternative to a cure that involves beef jerky?

If you're tired of people telling you to cover your bald head because the glare of the sun off of it is blinding them you might want to consider the beef jerky toupee. It probably will also protect your head a little like the beef jerky helmet.

For a fraction of the price of a real toupee you can make your own out of beef jerky. Style it any way you want. Long, short, with a part, without a part, shaggy, mohawk, afro, etc.

I do not even suffer from hair-loss and am rocking a beef jerky afro right now.

10. The Beef Jerky Leather Jacket

Leather Jacket = Awesome
Beef Jerky = Awesome
Leather Jacket + Beef Jerky = Double Awesome

The Fonz pulled in so much tail for saying "Heyyyyyy" and wearing a leather jacket. Imagine if the leather jacket was made of beef jerky.

Beef jerky clothing is not uncommon and the leather jacket is probably one of the coolest articles of clothing you can make out of beef jerky. It'll keep you warm in the winter and you'll look good, too. There are limitless options of style leather jacket you can make out of beef jerky. Inside pockets, multiple zippers, wear it with the collar up or down, etc. Use black pepper jerky for a textured look or original for a smoother, more formal look.

Biker Gang = Scary
Biker Gang Wearing Leather Jackets Made of Beef Jerky = Terrifying

Maybe I'll make some leather pants out of beef jerky and start a rock band...

9. The Beef Jerky Condom

Why? Because I've put stranger things on my penis before. Like your mom, OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Using beef jerky as a condom to prevent pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases probably is not effective at all. In fact it will probably introduce newer diseases.

It will, however, be hilarious. Just think of your girlfriend or wife's face when you come into the room wearing your birthday suit and a condom made of a wad of hickory smoked beef jerky. It will, no doubt, increase oral pleasure especially if your significant other likes salty snacks.

Do you have any ideas of using beef jerky in the bedroom? Also, tell your mom I said "Hi" OHHHHHHHHHHHH

8. Make a Helmet Using Beef Jerky

If you're like me you value your head and would be disappointed if something collided with it at high speed. Cranium protection is a growing market as collisions with the head have increased with the evolution of sports such as jai alai and golf.

Whether I'm out riding my motorcycle or rock climbing I always equip my teriyaki beef jerky helmet. It is thin and light which improves maneuverability and flexibility. Several layers of beef jerky help protect my head from injury and give my hair the smell of awesome when it is removed. I wouldn't be surprised to see if professional sports eventually start using beef jerky as protective headwear in the near future. I have heard it is being used by batters in Japanese minor league baseball.

7. Use Beef Jerky as a Jai Alai Ball

If you have misplaced your jai alai ball you might want to consider making one out of beet jerky. Jai alai balls can cost over a hundred dollars while a pound of beef jerky is just a couple bucks.

The "Pelota" is normally made of Brazilian rubber with a goat-skin cover for its bouncy properties. Do you know what also has bouncy properties comparable to that of a jai alai pelota? Yup, you guessed it, a giant ball of beef jerky.

A ball of original beef jerky can achieve speeds up to 180mph just like a jai alai pelota. I know I wouldn't want to get hit in the head with a flying ball of jerky! Wear a helmet. Perhaps a helmet made out of beef jerky...

Have you played any sports using beef jerky or even invented a sport using beef jerky?

6. Beef Jerky Facial Hair

Nothing pulls in hot tail like gnarly mustaches and facial hair. How many men do you see with a manly mustache or fu manchu with a smokin' hot girlfriend? This is because facial hair signifies manliness, confidence, success, and in some cultures royalty.

Beef jerky can be cut into nearly any type of facial hair. I'm rocking mutton chops out of jalepeno flavored beef jerky right now. My wife thought it was silly at first until random women would hit on me when we go out. This has spiced up our love life exponentially (no pun intended).

Do you have beef jerky facial hair? If so, what style are you rocking?

5. Make a Bike Lock Out of Beef Jerky

Some cheap bike locks can be easily cut with bolt cutters. If you have an expensive bike you do not want to take the chances with a dinky chain lock.

With only a few pounds of beef jerky you can make a reliable, stylish bike lock. Some premium types of beef jerky cannot be chewed or cut though.

I have an expensive mountain bike that I wouldn't trust with any lock other than my jerky lock. I used Sweet & Spicy flavor to make my lock and get compliments on it everywhere I go. For the past two years I have been using this lock and my bike has never been stolen.

I took my bike on a weekend trip to Tijuana and even there it did not get stolen. I did, however, catch a local man trying to chew through the lock. What I gathered from his broken spanglish was that he wasn't trying to steal the bike but he was just hungry and Sweet & Spicy was his favorite flavor! We chatted for a while about our common interest in the healthy snack and then drank some tequila and went to a local strip club together. I will forever remember my Mexican friend for life, Aleja.

4. Propose to Your Girlfriend With a Beef Jerky Ring

You can buy a 5ct diamond engagement ring for $10,000 or you can spend that money on beef jerky and make your own ring!

Nothing says "love" like a giant ball of meat. That's what she said?

Ten thousand dollars can buy you over 300 pounds of jerky and that's not even at wholesale prices! A 300 pound engagement ring will tell your girlfriend that you love her and her ability to accept your dying passion for aged meat products.


Every day I think about if I had proposed to my wife with a beef jerky, original flavor, her favorite, ring our marriage wouldn't be in shambles right now.

3. Create Raft Out of Beef Jerky

Whether you're stranded on a desert island or just a boating enthusiast you will get pleasure out of constructing a raft out of beef jerky.

Beef jerky land vehicles are old news but beef jerky sea vehicles have been up and coming in the past few months.

If you have a surplus of beef jerky and live near a body of water you may want to think about using it to create a boat. Your options are limitless with what type of boat you can create with using beef jerky. Leisure sailing, fishing, racing, extreme sports, etc.

I have been fishing on my beef jerky boat, The Teriyaki Sea Cow, for the past year. Since it can double as bait it will free up some space to carry more beer. The jerky texture tacks well and is silent allowing you to not scare away the fish when moving.

If perhaps you were transporting a large cargo of beef jerky and run into a storm and end up stranded on a desert island you will want to think about making a rescue raft out of your remaining jerky. In no time you'll be sailing away back to civilization to be reunited with your friends and family. Since you can also eat the jerky you will not starve to death and can stay afloat for several weeks. Don't forget your desert island CD mix!

"My beef jerky outrigger has placed second and third in two regional regattas. I wouldn't go back to conventional boats any time soon." ~ Sea Captain

"The jerky makes for some of the gnarliest wakes a wakeboarder could ask for!" ~ Wakeboarding Entusiast

2. Prevent Global Catastrophe With Beef Jerky

On April 13th, 2036 there is a small possibility an asteroid will collide with Earth: 99942 Apophis

Scientists have been working on numerous strategies to prevent this global catastrophe. Some of them include: nuking the crap out of it, teasing it until it eventually gets depressed and commits suicide, making friends with itand persuading it to not collide with Earth, and redirecting its planned course by using the gravity of a very large ball of, you guessed it BEEF JERKY!

Scientists collectively came to the consensus that the most logical plan of action to prevent this collision is to use beef jerky to redirect the asteroid's path.

How will this work?

First they will collect and past together, using rubber cement, several tons of beef jerky. (Mainly black pepper and hot and spicy flavored beef jerky.)

After the rubber cement dries the ball of jerky will be loaded onto an unmanned rocket and blasted into space.

The rocket will travel to the asteroid and deploy the beef jerky ball so it is just within a few miles of the asteroid.

A few months of the asteroid and jerky ball sharing a common space the gravity of the ball, albeit small, can still drastically redirect the course of the asteroid. By 2036 the path of the asteroid will be changed so greatly the possibility of impact wil reduce to almost 0%.

The US believes North Korea is concocting a similar plan to redirect the asteroid's path to directly crash into America. This is not a threat though because sources believe the North Korean army does not have the capital nor the resources to complete this task by the year 2036.

1. Replace Your Floors With Beef Jerky

Rugs, Hard Wood, Ceramic Tile, Bamboo, and now Beef Jerky.

If you're looking to do some housework and are tired of your existing floors replace them with beef jerky.

The most high sought-after and comfortable type of flooring in the '00s is beef jerky. I recently replaced my floors with beef jerky and it was the best decision I have ever made. The soft, rubbery feeling beneath your feet is unmatched by any other product other than jerky. I used Teriyaki but you may use any other flavor or mix and match! It gives you the traction you need so you will never slip and injure yourself again. My wife and I even made love on it just the other night!

Have you replaced your flooring with beef jerky? Please post comments on how it changed your life and what flavor(s)/methods you used to replace it.

You mean I can do other things with beef jerky besides just eating it?

Many people just eat beef jerky, but believe it or not there are several things you can do with beef jerky besides just eating it.

This blog is dedicated to the many things you can do with beef jerky.

Feel free to comment on things YOU do with beef jerky that is both original and useful. Any and all suggestions are welcome!

This is a blog by a jerky enthusiast FOR jerky enthusiasts.